Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Free To Be You And Me.

Let's face it, I'm bad at being a girl most of the time. I'm not a fan of glitter or pink frilly things. I can't apply nail polish to save my life, and there's no bother trying with my fingernails because they are all bitten down. I'm bad at wearing make-up that isn't eyeliner...I don't moisturize. I have never a day in my life moisturized. I shave my legs with soap instead of shaving cream and my razors are usually disposable. I despise dieting and I'm sorry, but so many things actually do taste better than skinny feels. I occasionally use my shirt or dress as a napkin. I hate ensemble cast rom-coms that are named after random holidays. I can't walk properly in heels and when I dress up for a night on the town I feel like a fraud, praying that my Fairy Jean Mother has a pair of Levi's hiding in a near-by room where I can put my feet up and stop pretending I know how to flirt with men.

I know gay men who make better girls than me.

Don't get me wrong, I love girls who are good at being girls. They fascinate me. I admire and am mystified by them and their clear complexions. Their hair that must have taken hours to perfect and yet looks effortless. Their bright pink glitter nails. I love their ability to look good in anything and to make anything look good. Watching them, I feel like an early turn of the century explorer studying a foreign tribe. I can see these strange, beautiful creatures are so much like me and yet they are so vastly different. I don't quite understand them, but know that somehow we must be the same.

I know there is nothing wrong with being me. I know that my bed-head and bitten down nails make me no less of a woman than the next. I know this, but I don't always feel it.

So what is the point of this diatribe? As we all do, I sometimes have trouble remembering that it's okay to be me. I live in a state of permanent irritation at my own inability to be what my gender says on the tin. I can sit and shout proudly that I am who I am, but I don't always feel that way. I've written this because I think sometimes we all need memos in our own hand of our self worth, our own unique beauty. They say life would be boring if we were all the same, I guess this is just my reminder.

So for my own sake, here is what I am instead of what I am not: I'm kind, I'm of reasonable intelligence. I'm good with children and colours. I have an eccentric spirit and have several times drunken grown men under the table. I constantly say the silliest things and when I like something, I'm consumed by its splendour. I don't love lightly, I have a weird sense of humour, I find beauty in strange places. I find deep meaning in song lyrics, I laugh a lot, I'm friendly. I understand art.

I'm rubbish at being a girl, but I'm rather good at being Karla.